Back in the throes of adolescence and raging hormones, my friends and I used to play this fun little game:
Would you rather be really skinny no matter what you ate or have an absolutely beautiful face?
This dysfunctional posturing usually divided us pretty evenly into two camps: it was “well, my weight is something I should be able to control so I choose the gorgeous face” versus “I would give anything to be skinny and never have to think about it ever, ever, never, ever again.”
I thought that I wanted to be skinny so that I could stop worrying about my weight. I wanted to be one of those girls who can eat whatever she wants, unapologetically and unselfconsciously, and always remain effortlessly slender.
Then a few years ago I started noticing a pattern. When I get what I thought I wanted (cool apartment, boyfriend, fancy job title, anything really), it never felt the way I hoped it would. And I started wondering, what is the deal?
All kinds of crazy smart people (Malcolm Gladwell, Daniel Gilbert) have researched and written about this very topic. And I did loads of reading and meditating and visualizing and journaling – all of it to figure out what step I was missing and how I could fix it be happy now.
Eventually I learned about going to the balcony: identifying the feeling I’m really hoping for, and consciously choosing to act the way I want to feel. (I don’t mean to oversimplify this process – after years of building ruts in my brain, at first it looked kind of like one step forward, 347 steps back.)
I realized that when it came to being thin, one of the things I really wanted was to feel carefree. Oh yes, there were other wants tangled up in this perpetual longing, both shallow and complex, but feeling carefree was really the golden nugget.
Hmmm. So I spent the last 15 years worrying about my weight so that someday, when I reach that ultimate pinnacle of svelteness, I won’t have to worry anymore.
Wait. Wha?!?
I feel so freaking blessed to discover that it just doesn’t work that way. In my experience, you can’t lose weight by worrying yourself into a stress ball of anxiety about your weight. It kind of kills the whole carefree vibe, you know?
Instead I started finding ways to embody *carefree*. I spent time dwelling in that feeling state. I learned how to relax and be still in areas of my life seemingly unrelated to weight. And then getting thin (and more importantly, healing body image) became this delicious little perk instead of the whole point of my whole life.
Maybe for you it’s not about feeling carefree. Maybe you’re hoping to lose weight so that you can feel confident or happy. Or maybe you don’t even care about losing weight. Maybe you want to get married so that you can feel supported and loved.
What about cultivating ways to feel confident and happy, or supported and loved, now? I’m not saying it’s easy to cut out the middle man, especially if you’ve spent years thinking “If only I can have X, then I’ll be ___ [happy, carefree, comfortable in my own skin]. But for me, it was the only way to freedom.
For one thing, you might actually enjoy the journey. And, of course, it will make getting what you really want pretty much inevitable.
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Skinniness definitely does not equal happiness. I should know. I’ve never weighed more than 115 pounds in my life. I used to have people accuse me of having an eating disorder. That was really hurtful because I absolutely love to eat. It’s caused me to strive to weigh more for a long time, until now, when I’m finally starting to be happy with my own weight.
Wow, Miss Lissy, thank you so much for commenting. It seems like this side of the struggle is often ignored, I’m glad you shared your experience – and I certainly appreciate how painful it can be to feel judgment from either side. I am so happy that you’re learning to be happy just being you!
I love the concept of giving yourself the feeling that you want, instead of believing it will come from some external circumstance. Beautiful post!!
This is such a good way of looking at it, Briana.
Over the winter I put on some weight and went into panic mode when none of my clothes were fitting. I went to extremes for a bit (joined and then quite a bootcamp class), totally changed my eating, kept a food journal, etc and I just kept gaining and losing the same 2 pounds.
I started to remember times when I weighed less and felt great and those were definitely not times I was worried about what I ate. I was simply happy and enjoying life.
So I stopped thinking about my weight and focused on feeling good instead. I didn’t beat myself up over what I did eat. I just focused on staying present. I started doing exercise I enjoyed instead of what I thought was best. And I let go of the rest. And then I lost weight. Go figure.
I like the idea of cultivating the feeling you want to have. I’m not sure I’m all that skilled at that yet (it sometimes feels forced), but I’m learning.
I’m another one of those skinny girls who never worried about weight… the most i ever weighed was 150lbs (but that was soaking wet and 39weeks pregnacious to boot… in winter clothes)… I have been cosistently between 100 and 115lbs.
And guess what? I’m not blissfully happy EITHER!
I might not have to worry about my weight, but I do worry about my looks. Should I dye my hair, because of course men prefer blondes and I’m a natural brunette? I have to get my eyes fixed because i’m not attractive enough in glasses. I need to get a boob job because i’m not attractive with small boobs. I’m not tall enough, I’m not fit enough, I’m not sexy enough… you can drive yourself crazy working to be perfect and never getting there.
After working for years to get what I thought i wanted (or what I was told to want) I found myself without ANY of it. Why? I walked away. I wanted to be married because then I would be loved. And I wasnt’. I had children to get my husband to love me more, and he ignored me more (but I have my beautiful children). I got degrees to prove to everyone that i was intelligent… and still ended up a secretary…
Now I’m starting out finding what it is that *I* am… where do I fit in, where do I belong? And the biggest part is learning to feel GOOD with myself and not trying to fit into what other people believe would be best for me.
Great Post! I just had an epiphany. I love that once you or someone else can put it into words it kind of changes the hole programming. I think for me it wasn’t “carefree” but “flexible”, “unlimited”, “unrestrained” and oddly… “quick”.