I already know what to do

One of my closest friends e-mailed me this week wanting my opinion of a weight loss book that had recently hit the shelves. She knows me so well – I am insatiable when it comes to learning about nutrition, wellness, and the latest in weight-loss.  So of course no exception here, I had read through most of the book and liked it.

I told my girlfriend exactly what I thought of the book’s message: It’s like any other advice – motivational for a little while, but ultimately you’re the one who has to decide how much to eat and exercise no matter how many tips and tricks someone can give you. She wrote back “You are right about the book. I act like I don’t know what to do but I know I do, it’s just a matter of committing.”

I would say she’s not giving herself enough credit. The girl is pretty great at committing. She’s one of the most fiercely loyal people I know, and (warning: corny alert) her friendship is one of my life’s treasured blessings. She’s also a supportive wife, a loving daughter and sister, and an overall top notch, reliable human being. She knows how to do commitment. And she admits she knows what to do when it comes to weight loss. So where is the disconnect?

When it comes to overeating, or some other compulsive behavior, I think we generally know exactly what we need to do. So maybe knowledge is not the issue. And I don’t think this is about willpower or commitment either. After years or decades of struggling, maybe it’s time to admit that manhandling our scared and tired selves into submission is, quite simply, not the answer.

I think the first step is to realize that there is no magic external answer. For me, change only started to become possible when I discovered that my food- and eating-related behavior is a window into the state of my soul. Now I know that if get a little overindulgent with the M&M’s (read: scarfing them behind closed doors at every opportunity), there’s probably something much deeper going on than an honest chocolate craving.

And whatever the problem is, I can be sure that a candy fix is not going to solve it. The overeating (or shopping or gambling or drinking or insert your addiction of choice here) actually makes the problem worse on so many levels.  The worst of it is that numbing out with compulsive behavior makes it much harder to discover what feeling we are actually trying to numb in the first place.

But… I’ve found that this is very good news. Because if the solution is not outside of you (it is sooo not outside of you), and if the unwanted pattern is a symptom of a bigger negative belief, then choosing to stay with yourself instead of spacing out with chocolate means you are about to have an opportunity to meet your truest self face to face.

Yes, this can be absolutely terrifying. And there is a lot more to be said about how to face the fear.  But for now, I’m just saying that feeling this fear is almost certainly necessary to living an authentic life.  And living an authentic life is really the most thrilling adventure there is.