A couple of weeks ago I had an initial session with a personal trainer. After the session he wanted me to commit to training. Like, sign a contract commit? Hmmm.
I want to commit to personal training, but I didn’t want to commit on the spot. He didn’t get it. Or want to get it. And weirdly, not wanting to commit right then had nothing at all to do with fitness. The importance of being active is totally obvious to me. I love working out and I love a challenge.
Here’s what not committing was about: I have one hell of a people-pleasing streak. People I’m close with might laugh at that, because I also have one stubborn I-only-do-what-I-want-to-do streak.
But for some reason, my inner people-pleaser is particularly concerned with strangers and people I don’t know well. She loves getting external approval and hates making anyone feel uncomfortable. (Whoa. Which is really about avoiding feeling uncomfortable myself, right?)
And to avoid an awkward moment, I’ll often just say yes to whatever another person wants. Or I did. But it’s not really working anymore because now I’m onto myself. So this time I ended up having an awkward conversation. Ugh. But, I lived to tell about it. Yay!
His argument sounded so infallible:
What do you need to think about? You know fitness is important, that’s why you’re here. And I mean, come on, you’re a wellness coach.
Yeah, he totally went there. And all of that is true, but it just didn’t matter.
Like a fool, I kind of tried to explain it. Without going all Shiva Nata on him, I said:
“Hey, it’s kind of an old pattern of mine to jump into something without thinking it all the way through. Sometimes I do it out of knee-jerk enthusiasm or because I don’t want to say no to someone. And so the healthy thing would be for me to take some time to think about it, and come back and choose to say yes on my own terms.”
Well I said some variation of that about sixteen times. He looked at me like I was stark raving bonkers and then argued that he’d understand where I was coming from if investing in training wasn’t such a healthy decision.
To which I replied that I can make broccoli an unhealthy decision. Because it’s really about the motivation under the behavior.
He thought I was ridiculous. It would have been so much easier if he’d understood. But that’s really not the point. Or actually, that’s the whole point. The fact that he disagreed with my decision and my reasoning is just more fodder for my people-pleaser to work through.
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Omg! We totally share the same people-pleasing streak and the do-whatever-I-want-stubborn streak, for strangers and close people in the same order.
And woohoo for Shiva Nata baby, and shifting those patterns.
That being said, getting people to commit on the spot is probably a good business “tactic” that your personal trainer uses to make sure people don’t quit on him.
Lots of love for similarities and being one of Havi’s Right People.
I think that many of the trainers get sign up bonuses. I told a trainer one time that I needed to wait until my next paycheck to sign up so that I could be sure that I could afford the price that he was requiring me to pay. He actually got mad at me and had a temper tantrum. Then he went and told all the other trainers about it. I ended up so uncomfortable there because none of the trainers would even help me with the basics that they are supposed to that I cancelled my membership and wrote a letter to the manager. I never got a response.
I do this too, I’m inherently a “yes” person, and while it’s great to say yes to newness and not close yourself off from potentially awesome experiences and interactions, there need to be boundaries. I’m not so great at boundaries, at least not at setting them for myself.
All of that to say that I totally and completely get where you’re coming from. And I high five you. Awkwardly and through the internet, of course.
You made me laugh out loud again! Its not a coincidence that all this totally hits home for so so many reasons.
I LOVE both the conversation you had with him as well as the one you had with yourself. Those are so INTERESTING!!
See you soon!
Karen
I LOVE the line “I can make broccoli and unhealthy decision.”!! It’s absolutely about what’s driving the decision. Yay for you, for not buying into his “logic” which was really all about getting whatever he wanted on the spot ( and of course that’s why he found every button to push).
And yay for me because I’m so glad I found your blog. Looking forward to the journey.
I totally get this people-pleaser thing, and keep in mind that this guy’s also a sales guy! His income depends on people signing on the spot and not taking the time to think about it, so KUDOS to you for allowing yourself the time to make the decision that’s right for you. And maybe signing the contract IS right for you, but you’re right – it has to be on YOUR own terms
Hey guys, thanks for chiming in! I have to say, I didn’t mean to really complain about this trainer (I actually like him a lot) and this is way more about my stuff than anything he did to trigger it.
@Nathalie ~ I was so happy to read your comment, it’s oddly comforting to share that crazy paradox with someone (although I wouldn’t wish it on you at all). And all of the other similarities, too ~ yay!
@Amy ~ Oh yuck, how completely high school-ish of them. I am so sorry, that sounds awful!
@Nicole ~ Totally dorky high five for us learning how to maybe, occasionally, once-in-awhile say no. (Which will be even more awkward than the high five, but we’ll figure it out.)
@Karen ~ Oh yeah, you so get me
And I cannot wait to see you!
@Susan ~ I am so glad you came by, because now I found you back – excited to cruise around your site, too.
@Doniree ~ Yeah, you described it perfectly (no surprise there
) and I totally did sign the contract a week later.
Briana, when you said, “I have one hell of a people-pleasing streak. People I’m close with might laugh at that, because I also have one stubborn I-only-do-what-I-want-to-do streak.” I so get this. I am the same way.
I loved your post. It was so validating for things I have done and reasons I have used. Thanks.
Yes, I have those same two streaks. What cracks me up is that the stubborn streak also comes out when I want me to do something .. it’s like I have multiple personalities.
Once I belonged to two gyms because every time I went into the second one to cancel (I had not been there in over a year, mind you), the guy would give me the reasons why cancelling was not a great idea and I hated to disappoint him and cancel. So I paid .. clearly their concept of having to go in to cancel is brilliant.
“But it’s not really working anymore because now I’m onto myself.”
This. Awesome.