I have the weirdest sense this morning of being able to do or be or create anything I want. I don’t know how to explain it, which is a pretty lame excuse since that’s kind of what you do when you write something for other people.
One weird thing (and there are many) about this sensation is that it doesn’t feel especially exuberant or enthusiastic. It’s actually pretty calm and matter of fact. And then when I look at this idea somewhat objectively, part of me is like of course you can do or be or create anything you want. But another part of me is like, what the hell are you talking about? And both parts of me think that is a very good question.
This morning I did Dance of Shiva, and then I meditated sat here with my eyes closed for 15 minutes, and I think that’s where things got a little kooky. No surprise there.
Lots of times when I’m thinking about my to-do list, or my life, there are things that I don’t necessarily want to do, but I want to have done. And sometimes it seems like there’s no way I can get myself to do those things. Like in all reality I have limited control over my own choices. Weird.
Yeah, weird because this morning (and I’ll say I’m pretty sure this won’t last) there’s a part of me that thinks I can do anything. So maybe I don’t want to respond to my e-mails. But, oh well, I’ll just do it anyway. Like I can overrule these momentary impulses. But not in a white-knuckled, self-mastery sort of way. In more of an objective “huh… your-stuckness-is duly-noted-but-let’s-go-ahead-and-proceed-anyway” kind of way.
And then, here’s the other side: if I can do or be or create anything, then what I have and where I am right now must be exactly what I meant to create. If I can weigh whatever I want, then this weight must be what the overriding part of me wants to weigh. If I can live anywhere I want and be friends with whomever I like, then this must be the place and the friends that I chose.
And so I have a very simple sense that I might as well appreciate and be grateful for it all. Because I guess maybe I’m already there?
And holy shit. That just made sense. Because the intention I set before Dance of Shiva was to be grateful for where I am. Like, right now. But I thought that gratitude would just be an awareness to pay attention to all of the already cool things in my life. I didn’t expect it to be this bizarre (really, it feels bizarre) realization that where I am right now must on some level be exactly where I want, and chose, to be. And so I might as well like it.
On that note. Um. Thoughts? Other than “geez, you are weird.”
*** And, a reminder that I’m offering a free teleclass tomorrow (because you know, after that post I sound so expert-ey and everything). We’ll talk about making friends with your inner perfectionist and I’ll share some of the magic I use when taming the shrew who shares brain space with me. For details, you can sign up for the newsletter in the sidebar.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
You are not weird. You explained that very well. And I look forward to getting a response from my email today.
Love.
Nona
I so needed to read the part about “If I can weight whatever I want, then this weight must be what the overriding part of me wants to weight.” The rest of it too, but that was timely. Because even though I am grateful for where I am, I keep thinking that it would be really nice if I could move a little faster on the whole losing thing. Even though I know deep down why I am not. And that this weight really is where a big part of me wants to be. So thank you.
You know, when you think about it, thinking that if I can be/do/have whatever .. then where I am must be what I’ve chosen right now, makes a lot of sense to me.
I should really try setting an intention before practice. My meditation afterwards always turns into a nap, because my brain is so sleepy, but I don’t see why I can’t set an intention anyway.
beautiful post Briana. Your authenticity makes everything feel ok…Thanks for being perfect as you are!
Here, here! Now, if you have any success hanging on to that feeling, will you let me know how you do it? I’ve experienced it before, it was incredible, and then… it was gone. And desperately trying to get the feeling back or wondering forlornly where it went only makes things worse. (And now I’m reallllly hoping this doesn’t happen to you!)
@Nona ~ Haha, took me a second and then made me laugh
@Elizabeth ~ You know, I usually don’t think much about my intention during meditation or after I set it at all, but it just seems to give me a little sense of ritual before practice. And yeah, so far in my life there’s no where this has been harder than with body image stuff – hug to you for that.
@Karen ~ Thank you ~ making everything feel okay is almost more than I could ask for, you are a sweetheart.
@Julie ~ I have a feeling it’s more of an ebb & flow thing than anything I could hold onto permanently, but I will definitely let you know if I come across away to keep it around! And you, too! Then we can bottle it for those really swirly, stuck days
Briana
I know this is an older post but I really resonated with the perspective shift after shiva nata about the stuff you don’t usually want to do. I seem to get this pollyanna momentum thing that happens and ‘it;s all good’ You said it much better!