I do this thing where I resist structure because I should be disciplined enough to just do what I need to do without extra support or boundaries. That stuff is for wimps, right? Also, restriction scares me.
Just do it.
Sometimes I get spun out with online distractions and time wasters. I find myself on this crazed loop of checking e-mail, checking Twitter, checking forums, checking my reader. I know! Let’s check stuff!
And so I’ve toyed with the idea of trying a software program that forces helps you focus by blocking out distractions. But then, that’s just silly because I should be able to focus on my own, right?
I’m starting to think there are two ways to look at this kind of help.
Needing help = weakness + lack of self control + time to crack the whip
I have plenty of experience with using structure as a way to tame my wild tendencies and whip myself into shape. Yuck. Who wants that? And I spent enough years exploring the self-mastery route that I can recognize my inner dictator… even when she dresses up in a Let’s Be Productive cape.
If I go that route, it won’t be long before Miss Productivity gets bored or tired. At which point the wild child will take over and yank us along on a frenzied four hour tour of every link on Twitter.
(Yes, there must be some needs I’m trying to meet by check-check-checking my way through this maddening loop. But so far the conversation about exploring better ways to meet those needs only exists in my head. More on this later.)
So if self-mastery backfires and willpower just isn’t enough, what else can I do?
Wanting help = support + safety + taking care of myself
Okay, needing help because I’ve decided I suck… well, sucks. But I’m discovering that I am perfectly allowed to want help. Totally different thing. Consciously asking for help has everything to do with the way I frame the goal, and the way I see myself. I can choose to create support and safety.
Consider the goal. (And while you’re at it, come up for a non-triggery word for goal.)
When it comes to hanging out online, I want less bobbing around aimlessly (and the subsequent blurry-eyed hangover) and more experiences like this. Less energy drain, more connection.
When I believe I need structure because otherwise I can’t be trusted to do the things that are good for me, I feel totally dispirited. (God, we’ve worked on this. Why can’t you just be perfect already?)
But consciously creating a system of support that helps me do the things I already want to do? Yay!
Here goes.
Time to play with creating some containers for these activities. And experimenting with gentle accountability and productivity tools. Thoughts about this stuff? Ideas? What works for you?
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I get it. I struggle with the resistance to structure and support, too. First, because structure feels limiting; and second, because it doesn’t really go with my Wonder Woman outfit. I value freedom, power, and fun (in that order) above all else, so having structure, even if it’s self-imposed, seems like a direct route to “you can’t make me” tantrums and rebelliousness. Enter inner 2-year-old…
It clicked for me when I realized that there are some areas of my life where I have structure and support that are working for me and actually uphold my values. For example, I was waffling about working with a personal trainer to help me work weight training back into my life. When I remembered that I already had a great relationship with an accountant/doctor/massage therapist, I was able to see that having a trainer is the same kind of relationship. I also noticed that where I have a little structure, the result is freeing, not restrictive. I have a weekly appointment with myself to do my filing and financial chores. Keeping that appointment leaves me free to not have to think about that stuff at any other time during my week.
Briana, I get it too. Don’t box me in could be one of my taglines! The busier my life became, however, the more I realized that winging it wasn’t really getting me where I wanted to go in all areas of my life. So I started creating rituals for the juicy stuff I loved, and for the not-so-fun stuff that just needed to get done.
Creating daily rituals brings a kind of gentle structure to my day. For me, once a soft structure is in place, my energy is more freed up to show up and do my thing.
For example, I really don’t like accounting, so when its time for my bi-monthly date with Quickbooks, I have a lovely pre-ritual. I make this killer bittersweet hot chocolate (heavy on the cocoa, light on the sugar), and if I’m not already wearing something super-soft and cozy, I change. Then I clean off my desk entirely, put on some kind of mellow music, and aaah, suddenly it’s starting to feel lighter and brighter! Bribery works for me too (if you get x done, then you can do y!). Not that I wouldn’t do y anyway, but it still feels kind of fun to work toward y…
I am working on creating a blogging ritual next! Same day of week, 2-3 hours to create– because I can’t do it faster than that yet
xoxo p.s. thanks for outing me on twitter!
@Chris ~ Yes, yes, yes, to all of it! The personal trainer is a great example for me, too, and worth a whole other post. And it’s funny because you can come at any of it from a healthy angle (that provides MORE freedom, power, and fun) or from an icky restrictive angle… Once again, perspective is everything
And thank you for commenting, because I so relate to your perspective.
@Lauren ~ You are such a ritual queen, I have a lot to learn from you. I get super comfy in a routine, but I need to be more conscious about adding little extra elements to brighten things up and to make that soft structure feel safe and cozy instead of restrictive. And so happy to have you tweeting!