I was talking with a friend last week who has also been experimenting with intentional spontaneity.
We were both noticing that when it works, life is really, really good: I’m able to follow my flow throughout the day, ideas come easily, work is fruitful, and I have enough time for all the things I want to do. All the things!
On the other hand, I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about what the things are. Like walking with my dog and bouncing on my trampoline. And Shiva Nata-ing. And cooking and reading and sewing and just generally enjoying myself. And all the guilt is kinda ruining the enjoying myself part.
The times I don’t do so well with following my flow are usually internet-related. And not pretty.
As I was explaining how guilty I feel about wasting so much time online, I realized that it might be EASIER to feel guilty about online swirling rather than feel guilty about following my flow.
Because while I’m feeling guilty about the internet, I can fantasize about what a simple fix that is: Once I have it “under control” my day will be perfect and prolific. Imagine the possibilities!
When in truth, then I’d be following my flow and I’d have to deal with the guilt I feel about getting to do all the things I really want to do.
And that is much, much scarier.
I don’t feel much internal conflict about wanting to spend less time online. All the voices in my head pretty much agree that less internet time is a good thing.
The scarier voices are the ones who guilt monger when I’m doing the things I love. And I don’t want to be guilted out of that, so I tend to hush those voices right up.
Like that loud voice booming: “Everyone Else is at Work!” & “Why should you have it so good?!”
The hush up is counterproductive.
My resistance just goes undercover, setting up camp somewhere in my psyche, ever posed for sabotage.
So that’s the resistance I’m learning more about. And weirdly (or not), since I realized all of this, the internet has lost a lot of its sparkle. I’m too busy doing (fun!) things.
In the meantime I had this other funny epiphany: While I’m hiking with my dog at two in the afternoon and feeling so guilty because Everyone Else is at work in an office, the truth is that a bunch of those people are collecting a paycheck to waste a bunch of time surfing the internet and feeling guilty about it all the while.
I know–I used to be one of them!
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I am starting to realize that I am on the internet because it is time to really go inward, and I am afraid it is going to be hard (and I am somewhat weary of hard), and so I am avoiding it. Except that what comes next needs to come from that turning in. And maybe the “it is going to be hard” is yet another story. We’ll see. In the meantime, it is true that I can often be found internet-ing – and feeling guilty about said internet-ing.
p.s. Dear Loud Voice, Briana needs to have it so good so that we can all learn from her!
I have to say…I really enjoy your blog! Glad I found it. Hmmm….I’m a man. Should I feel guilty for enjoying a woman’s blog???
@Elizabeth — That is pretty fascinating realization. And being weary of hard makes absolute sense to me, so I hope it’s gentle.
My Loud Voice is giggley today, so thanks for that : )
@Gary — Well, I like plenty of guy writers. And musicians and actors and … people. So I say there’s nothing to feel guilty about! Nice to meet you.