So awhile ago I decided to try this thing where I’d pick something that was bugging me to pay attention to for the week. Maybe a pattern of something I was doing, or not doing. Or something I was avoiding. Or something that was triggering some icky feeling. Something generally sucky.
And then without really giving it much of a chance, I decided it was really a terribly stupid idea. I haven’t told you about that part yet… the deciding it was totally stupid part.
But now I’m waffling again (surprise!): I think the idea just needs some polishing.
It wasn’t working because…
I’d notice a pattern and say: Hey You! You’re the one I’m going to watch this week. And then it would sneak off and hide under the covers. All week. And my whole intention would just fall splat.
Except for some reason the practice was still really useful. (Not the practice of paying attention, which I couldn’t do because the pattern was hiding from me.) But the practice of noticing and naming. Which is just as important, and also sometimes the hardest part. Because if there’s something that’s feeling stuck, it can be really scary to look at your stuff to find out why.
You are good.
If you’re afraid that you’ll discover some dark, evil thing about yourself, you won’t want to take the lid off the pot. But you won’t discover something grim.
The shadowey thing that seems so scary before you look? It’s a part of you needing attention or acknowledgement or something. And you can’t find out what the something is if you avoid it.
And every time you’re willing to look and you realize that, phew!, the thing you thought was so horrible about yourself really has some nugget of good, it’s easier to peer into the pot next time. (And bonus: You get to maybe stop hating on yourself a tiny bit, too.)
Because noticing and naming a pattern helps you to see your stuff as not you. So you can be aware of its existence, and even be in it sometimes, without it meaning anything bad about you.
Examples?
Oh sure. How about the time I was all grossed out by myself for wishing I was cooler? And then I realized that ohmygosh, I don’t need to be cool. Holy relief.
Or all the times I freaked out at myself for wanting to eat too many M&M’s. I thought it meant I was insatiable, or something equally loathe-worthy. When really I was just needing some exhilaration.
Onward bound.
And so I’m keeping up with the ritual. But not in a Hey Pattern! I’m watching you! kind of way. Just in a sly, slide-into-a-barstool-and-scootch-up-to-the-counter-next-to-it kind of way.
Just saying: Hi. I know you exist. I see you. But I’m not you and you’re not me. Like collecting puzzle pieces and dropping them into a basket. And we’re not the puzzle. We are the puzzle master.
Does this ever happen to you… where you want to pay attention to something and then it hides? Or where just noticing helps you be just a tiny bit more objective (and less harsh) with your stuff?
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this concept! I worked with one of my favorite clients this week and we used the idea of a handbag – we were calling all of our stuff we were afraid to look into “emotional baggage” and realized it was what made us great, so instead of emotional baggage we decided to call it a Gucci handbag
and the contents were private prizes we would peak in and dig around for when we needed something. It is always scary to look and try to uncover what was in there but it usually ends of being something with serious sentimental value – and then becomes prized enough to stay in our Gucci handbag as a tool rather than a problem. -Heidi
I like this idea. It kinda makes us the Cesar Melan of our patterns. We just remain all calm and hold our place while the ‘thing’ checks us out then goes on about its business.
I had a holiday pattern/thingie. I kept getting this wicked headache and couldn’t figure it out. So I actively sought it. I dropped coffee, watched what I ate, checked for new scents…all sorts of actions like that till I was starting to feel like a cop on a stake out…which sucks cause you can’t even take bathroom breaks without paying attention! So I turned in my gun and badge and that very afternoon caught myself reaching for a mint that was on the table. You know, holiday fair for the guests. I kept my AHA! to myself, ate it and sure enough…half an hour later the headache popped up. Sooo neener neener on that little sneaky headache giver mint!
Way to go…now I don’t feel all NCIS over these little things that are bugging me.
@Heidi ~ Hi! Love that the junk ends up being something prized… it’s so weird that we’re so scared to look, and then because we’re scared we don’t look and then we never get to find out that there was really nothing to be scared of in the first place!
@Wulfie ~ Oh my, I love that story – thanks so much for sharing it! It makes me wonder if it’s useful to go back and forth between cop on a stakeout and regular ol’ civilian. Because being the cop let’s you kind of observe without being in it, but maybe it’s exhausting to be there all the time. And without your stakeout attention, maybe you wouldn’t have had the aha?