(Part 1 in a series of potentially infinite posts.)
I’ve been thinking more about strengths and how the ones we end up cultivating have so much to do with how we’re socialized and wanting to fit in. And also, I’m getting sick of the term strengths; it sounds all sterile and externally determined. And that, as I’ve been ranting, is part of the problem.
So let’s call them qualities. Or elements of your suchness.
(Ever since I read about suchness from Thich Nhat Hanh, I’ve never been able to come up with a better way to express the nature of someone or something. The you-ness of you. Your suchness.)
Then there’s the other side of things; We develop the qualities we’re praised for, and squash the less desirable bits. Sweep them under the rug or add a teaspoon of honey to sweeten things up. Or I did.
The bits of mine that underwent some sweetening? I am apparently somewhat stuck up. Or so I’ve been told. Also, there was that phase in the 90’s where the proper lingo was “too good.” Briana’s too good for us. I heard that all the freaking time. Blech.
Or at least I used to be stuck up. Because, as any self-respecting, people-pleasing perfectionist would, I methodically attempted a dramatic reconfiguration of my very suchness. I tried to polish the rough parts and mold myself into the grooves. And, you know, be really nice. To everyone. I have to say, it was kinda exhausting.
And the truth, the part that actually pisses me off confuses me, is that I am nice. I care about people, I’m empathic and compassionate, welcoming and warm. I freaking help people for a living.
But caring about people doesn’t mean I have to let everyone in. One of my best friends refers to her own suchness as The Six Miles, as if your access to really knowing her lovely soul could be measured in distance.
I’m finally growing up and realizing that boundaries are okay. That we’re all allowed our own version of The Six Miles. I’m not stuck up just because most of my adolescent acquaintences didn’t make it past the first mile. I get to decide who belongs in the second mile and who gets to hang out in the sixth. And incredibly, knowing who belongs where is actually one of my greatest qualities.
It means my relationships are deep and strong and true. It means I regularly experience swells of gratitude that the people I adore love me back. And it means that if I adore you, you will know it.
I think being misunderstood is the worst. Unwinding the layers = soooo helpful. And there’s a lot of stuff here for me. Sometime soon I’ll write about my Extreme Makeover, The Sweetness Edition.
Any fellow snobs out there? Or is there another word people use to describe you that makes your suchness shout No No No?
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What a refreshing realization! It hadn’t occurred to me until you said it, but I just don’t have time or mental space for people who aren’t my people.
It feels to me that when you are bringing a high quality experience to a relationship, you can only do that to so many people before you burn-out if the relationships don’t sustain you.
So, of course, we must be picky about who we choose to befriend.
I like the six-mile comment. That makes a lot of sense.
Thank you so much giving me the word “suchness.” And for this sentence: “I methodically attempted a dramatic reconfiguration of my very suchness.” Okay, I recognize myself there. I love this post so much. And yes, I’m a snob-in-recovery.
Hi Brianna,
I absolutely love this post!
You have written from your heart once again…with such conviction and centeredness. Good stuff.
I was often told in high school (bleck- double bleck!) that I was snobby…and the phrase, “You are too good for us,” was something I heard way too often.
And…I also cared A LOT about people. I was also painfully shy, an introvert and hadn’t yet discovered the extent of my low self-esteem.
Ahhhh…the good work/journey. Yay.
Love the word “suchness”. Soooo much better than strengths.
Thank you, Brianna for sharing yourself and for blogging. I so appreciate you.
Maya
@Bridget ~ So true, I’m a “close with a few people” rather than “acquaintanances with a bunch” kind of of girl. Yeah, isn’t the six mile thing great? Makes it easier for me to grasp.
@Kelly ~ Isn’t suchness the greatest? Like, my dog doesn’t have many strengths (he may argue) but he has the most amazing suchness – high quality suchness. =)
@Maya ~ Oh yeah, I think this happens a lot for introverts. I’m kind of on that border of intro-extroversion and that’s definitely been a factor for me. And it’s hurtful, especially at that high school age, when people misread shyness as something else. Funny the things that remind me of high school or bring up those old patterns. And yes, yay! for the journey. Thanks so much for your sweet comment.
I remember being forced to dramatically reconfigure my extreme shyness. Not by choice, I might add. It’s how I became friends with the person who then stopped speaking to me at the beginning of 12th grade and I had no idea why and couldn’t ask and my already shaky self-esteem took another tumble. So yeah .. that went well. And then I reconfigured it again myself after high school until I was extremely outgoing, which was fun, if a bit exhausting. And now I’m back to normal, which is somewhere in the middle of all of that.
I always worry that I seem snobby. Because I am shy. Well .. I don’t know if shy is the right word. It’s just that it is really hard for me to let people into the 6 miles. And I do like to sit back and watch people – especially in large groups. And I spend a lot of time worrying that little things mean that someone doesn’t really like me (or like me anymore). Interestingly, all I’ve ever wanted to do is help people, and it feels like someone who loves people and wants to help them would let everyone in. Except that’s not really me. So maybe the problem is really in my own impression of all of this.
Ok .. sorry .. I have rambled in your comments. By the way, I think you are extremely sweet with a heart of gold. And yes, suchness – such a perfect word.
Oh Briana,
This is exactly how it used to be viewed, that I was a snob for not liking what others liked.
For years, nay, decades, I thought this to be a bad thing, very very bad.
Fellow huge snob here. Lately I’ve come to be happy with my redefinition…..Now I’m not a snob, I’m discerning.
Now I smile sweetly and say yes I love this…..and simply refrain from comment on what my discernment turns away.