Yesterday I was hating this freelance work I was doing so much and thinking that nothing will be okay until I completely quit doing it forever.
That extreme urgency got me wondering about the possibility of this being a false wall.
Do I really hate it?
Yesterday when I was working, I didn’t actually hate it. I didn’t love it, but it was okay. (It’s when I’m not working but thinking I should be that I really hate it. And that’s true of any work for me.)
But part of me is feeling really scared that if I find out I don’t hate it enough, I’ll forget that I want to stop. I’ll keep doing it.
And that would be the worst thing.
I went to college in Tempe, where there are too many 120 degree days in August. By Thanksgiving, I would always forget how bad it had been. But after college I knew enough to move away.
I worked in public accounting, where busy season is full of 80 hour+ work weeks. By Thanksgiving, I would always forget how bad it had been. But five years in, I knew enough to move away.
But, but, but…
When I’m working too much, I just want to lie on a beach forever.
When I’m dating a jerk, all I really want is a sweet guy.
When life feels rocky or scary, I think that peace and calm would satisfy me forever.
But then when I get back to equilibrium, I’m going to want variety. Adventure. Full life immersion!
How do I remember that?
Why do I even want to?
Because I don’t want to make big decisions from these off-balance places, and end up with a really nice guy who I just don’t love.
Because maybe if I could remember that eventually I’ll want adventure and excitement again, then I would be able to enjoy the ride back.
And because sometimes my psyche just needs a jungle gym to climb around on, as my genius business partner would say.
Where is this coming from? I’m not working too much, I’m not dating a jerk…
But I had this giant epiphany,
That I don’t have to settle. Well, that’s actually more of a side-note epiphany.
The giant epiphany is that I was thinking I did have to settle. That when I find something good enough, I’m supposed to settle.
How is this all connected? I’m still working that out.
But I had a really sweet dream last night about my high school sweetheart. I’m not sure exactly how, but ten years later it reminded me of how that kind of love feels.
It reassured me of its existence. In romantic love and work love and life love.
And that if I’m thinking I need to settle for less, I must be off-center. And eventually, I’ll want more.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Briana, it’s like you are in my brain. I was just thinking about something similar today: I keep trying to tell myself to hurry hurry hurry and build my business so I can leave day-jobbing behind forever. But then I just get really burnt out, and really tired. And actually, there are lots of really good things about my day job.
Will you write more about this? You kind of lost me at the end (I think my neurons aren’t firing at their fastest today), and I’d really like to hear more about how you’re epiphany-ing through this process. No pressure, but I’d love to hear more if you feel like sharing.
Briana, you’re in my brain too!! The hating in when I’m not doing work I think I should be doing. Not wanting to stop hating it because I want to remember that I want to do something else more. The being tempted to settle for things that are good enough. All of it.
I don’t have anything smart to add, though.
I’ve recently gone through this with my own freelance writing stuff and I decided to cut out what I don’t need – amazingly simple concept, amazingly difficult to actually DO…
@Kylie, I WILL write more about this! It might take me a couple of blog posts to get around to the point though, because the epiphanies are kinda fluttering around in tangents.
And I was laughing as I read your comment — there is absolutely nothing slow about your neurons! Reading back through, I can’t believe this be-bopping stream of consciousness made any sense to anyone. My neurons are the jumbled ones, I blame Level 6 and that crazy dream : )
@Amna, there has GOT to be a better way. And between our two fancy brains, we’re gonna figure it out.
@Abbie, it’s always the small, simple steps that have the most power. AND that bring up the most resistance. But we will prevail!