Last weekend I was waiting in line at Trader Joe’s with my basket full of stuff. An older man lined up behind me, and he was just holding a quart of milk so I offered to let him go ahead.
Right away I felt this surge of cheer and goodwill and community. Oh happy day, isn’t everything wonderful? Which made me think of the concept of paying good deeds forward. But I’m not as interested in whether a small gesture like that will cause him to be more charitable with someone.
I’m wondering how much it encourages me to be more charitable. Because, you know, it feels good.
And before I give you the (wrong) idea that I’m always so gracious — Last week I was waiting in line somewhere else, and a woman lined up behind me, then gestured to her few items and asked if she could cut ahead. And while I let her, I’m not proud to say – I felt some mild irritation that she asked.
And of course my irritation with her was ultimately irritation with myself for being irritated with her. And so obviously stingy. Not to mention irritable.
And now I’m wondering: Is that what made me more generous this time? Remembering how icky it felt to be so miserly last time? And um, how does that relate to the whole pay it forward idea?
Like… She annoyed me by asking me to be charitable, which then encouraged me to be more voluntarily charitable with someone else? Oh bleargh, my brain just scrambled.
Which means: Warning, I’m about to oversimplify things.
And why does being generous provide that surge of cheer? I’m guessing something to do with affecting the way we see ourselves. Which reminds me of something I remember being surprised to learn in college social psychology: People are more inclined to like you if they do nice things for you.
Not, If they like you, then they’ll do nice things for you. Other way around: If they do nice things for you, they’re more inclined to like you. Something to do with justifying our behavior to ourselves.
Counterintuitive, because I’d always assumed (people pleaser!) that the relationship went the other way. That it was my kindness on someone’s behalf that most affected the way they felt about me.
When really those gestures are affecting the way I feel about them even more. And apparently, the way I feel about myself. So back to the pay it forward thing… Who gets more out of it? Definitely me.
I would love to hear your ideas, because I’m obviously just figuring this out making this up as I go.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Oversimplified or not, I love this approach and the way you put it!
Coincidentally, I just read a chapter in Superfreakanomics about apathy and altruism and it reminded me of your post : ) After some fascinating discussion back and forth on the inherent altruism of human beings… they summed it up with the following quote:
“Most giving is, as economists call it, impure altruism or warm glow altruism. You give not only because you want to help but because it makes you look good, or feel good, or perhaps feel less bad.”
So… I agree with you and those economists that wrote Superfreakanomics. I do like to give (on occasion), but it is mostly for that good feeling it gives me.. Hmm.