Project decaffeinate: Take two. My resistance sings a song.

Yeah, this is about changing my coffee drinking habits. But of course it’s kind of about everything.

Okay, so this habit changing stuff is hard. Also exciting, interesting, confusing, enlightening. At least if you’re doing it somewhat consciously. At moments I’m actually have fun with the process. Fun! I know, I’m weird. Seriously. And then, of course, other moments are chock-full of resistance.

Let’s let the resistance play its record first. The songs go something like:

Oh, here we go again. Depriving yourself of everything you love. We know how this one will end: Coffee in the morning, coffee in the evening, coffee sprinkling down like rain. Gooooo Coffee!

Then there was the day in the coffee shop that the lady in front of me ordered a 6 shot americano. To which my mind* said: See? We really aren’t that bad. Let’s treat ourselves to a triple, shall we?

(*The irrational part of my mind who loves to make excuses 6 ways from Sunday. The part I’m giggling at. And (stumblingly) learning to take lightly. If 6 shot americanos are your thing, rock on.)

Next up: Well if you’re going to do it, then get it right. Just give it up, and get it over with. Go big or go home. If you have so much as one sip, you totally suck. (You suck anyway.) All or nothing, sister.

Sister? Yeah, when that All Or Nothing tune starts playing, I notice that I kind of forget about the reasons I want to ease off the caffeine in the first place. The lack of sleep, the jumbleyness of my thoughts, the trouble focusing on creative tasks.

Suddenly, giving up coffee becomes something I get consumed with excelling at. Let’s achieve decaffeination! Recipe for disaster that culminates in flogging myself for every single stolen sip.

Then there’s this funny part of me that feels like I’m faking any withdrawal symptoms, dramatizing the whole thing. It goes something like: Okay, I know science says that coffee is a stimulant. But really. Get over yourself. This whole “I’m tired” thing is complete bull. Suck it up, get to work.

So there are all of these old interwoven patterns of belief and behavior wrapped up in this seemingly simple coffee habit. The enlightening part is noticing all of it, without necessarily believing every song the resistance sings.

I’m just trying to be curious: Oh, so that’s where I tripped myself up every single other time. Huh.

And then. And then! There are all of this incredible perks of changing a habit. Little bonus changes and shifts that snowball and lead to those invigorating aha moments I’m constantly coveting.

For example, by 4 pm yesterday, I felt like I was swimming through cotton. (So, you know, please excuse the spelling errors and overall rambleyness.) I responded to some e-mail, tried to read a bit.

Finally I set my work aside and decided to go for a hike in the canyon behind my house, hoping that maybe some fresh air would help me relocate some of my own natural energy. (Apparently there is such a thing: Being powered by sunshine and nutrients and all that. So they say.)

And, wow. All of the rain we’ve been having decorated the hills with lush, soft, baby green grass and little purple flowers. I had no idea. I’d been so hopped up in my highly caffeinated afternoon activity frenzy, I hadn’t even noticed.