Personal post alert: This one’s not so much about the practical aspects of … well … anything. More to do with the personal stuff that comes up when you put yourself out there in pursuit of your thing.
I had a very icky thing happen on Friday that dredged up a whole bunch of my stuff and actually led to tears (yes, tears!). I feel so much better now, so un-triggered, that it’s almost hard to remember how sad and hurt and stuck I felt. And what a blessing that is; to have people and methods and cool frameworks in place that relieve the stuck and the pain. When I’m able to calm down enough to call them, use them, remember them.
So the thing that happened isn’t really the important part. At least not to me, at least not anymore. I think the important part is the process, understanding the pattern, and noticing what helped me find some grace and relief. The only relevant pieces about the event are that someone said something that hurt my feelings and that it took my Friday from buoyantly cheerful to sniffling tears in about ten seconds flat.
I noticed such a specific sequential progression of my thoughts and emotions that I thought I would share the experience here:
1. My immediate reaction was visceral and almost purely physical. It sounds trite to say, but I felt the wind knocked out of me and my heart plunged into my stomach sending out a few waves of nausea.
2. I felt small and my mind leapt for the thought that I’m just so not cool. Oh the shame of that. And how obvious. Not to mention relative, right? There will always be people who are cooler, less cool. And what is cool anyway? This was not one of my shining moments.
3. I got mad. I don’t know the person who made the snarky comment, and I didn’t do anything to provoke it. Which became: What the hell is this guy’s problem? Did I blow him off at a high school dance or something? Again, not one of my better moments.
4. I felt a rush of sadness. Underneath everything else, I noticed that his comment wasn’t entirely off base. Ugh. I could see his point. Blech.
5. I decided to try consciously allowing myself to be sad. It may seem like there should be no try involved in that statement, but oy, the effort. My feelings are hurt. This is where I am right now. This is me meeting myself where I am. Tears. Time slowed down a bit and I could breathe. This is also the moment when I had to jump on a scheduled call with two other coaches. There’s so, so much to be said for having that safe space to just be.
6. I reached that space that feels clean and peaceful and expansive. My breathing felt deeper and calmer in a way that only comes after a good, cleansing cry.
7. I noticed that I was glad for my role in this dynamic. I’m happy that I get to be me rather than him. I’d so much rather have my feelings hurt than be the one to do the hurting.
8. Glad moved swiftly into grateful. The entire truth sank in. I’m not here to be cool. I’m here to be helpful. What a relief. I don’t mean grateful in a Pollyanna oh how wonderful kind of way. Just that I really needed the awareness that came from this realization. Obviously.
9. Compassion came on strong and with a hint of the bittersweet. Gosh, people hurt a lot. They feel hurt and they hurt each other. And being there myself reminds me to be more tender with other people.
Plato told us to:
“Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
And I’ll be the first to admit this battle wasn’t particularly hard. My suffering was positively miniscule compared to what other people go through. And understanding this at step 9 only increases my compassion. But mention it to me earlier in the process, and it would have increased my suffering by stopping the flow and healing that comes from meeting myself where I am.
In the past I would have disrupted this whole path by walking away (from myself I guess) at about step 4. And there probably would have been a twinge of ick about it that got tucked away and bothered me in teeny, tiny, nagging ways forever. If that was the case, you can bet I wouldn’t be sharing it here. Step 5 is the hard part. And the pivotal part.
I’ll go into other stuff that helped and *really* didn’t help next time. I know this is pretty personal. But if you feel comfortable, I would love to hear thoughts about your experience with this kind of stuff. Do you go through a similar process? Is step 5 the tough spot for you?
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I didn’t even know there WAS a step five! I’ve probably got a lot of things that are bothering me in teeny, tiny, nagging ways forever. Yikes!
My problem is definitely #4. I can see their point. I HATE being able to see everybody’s point. So frustrating, yet such a huge part of who I am. I have a friend who has tunnel vision when it comes to people. The people she knows and loves…those are the people that she empathizes with. Only those. Everyone else is just a generic cut-out of a person, I guess.
Maybe not the best, most heart-felt way to be, but it sure would make things easier.
Oooh, step 5. Painful and beautiful at the same time. What a great honest description of your process. *Love*
@Sarah ~ I am so with you, I can always see their point and gosh it’s infuriating. And I always want to ignore step five, but then I never get to the place where their point becomes sort of irrelevant. Which is kinda the sweet spot. Oh, because the those teeny, tiny naggy bits suck.
@Eileen ~ Love to you my dear, thanks for being part of it.
Oof yes. Step 5 is so hard. We’re most often conditioned to avoid step five, like the plague, so slowing down to be there and meet yourself where you are is hard.
It is where I have been for the past few weeks because an event triggered HUGE amounts of my stuff to come up and boy! Have I ever wanted to squirm away from it.
At the same time, by letting myself feel this stuff, it’s as if I’ve been unfolding myself and stretching into a new skin. Slowly, bit by bit, crease by crease I feel as if I’m filling myself and learning to be who I am. This is why step 5 is so important to me. It helps me to let go of what I don’t want or need.
Lovely post, real, clear and honest. Thank you
Thank you for this.
I’m really hung up on a few stuff-triggering things at the moment and even reading your list made me feel a lot better.