Last week I wrote about establishing a Monday ritual to create a container to work on our stuff. And why I think it’s helpful to try noticing and paying attention to just one thing.
That pattern…
I was hesitant to try the whole ritual thing this past week because I’m traveling. Being ungrounded is all the more reason for ritual, so I decided to pay attention to my tendency to put things off until the setting is perfect. And then that tendency went underground. Harrumph.
Kind of lightens things up when you’re trying to dissolve a pattern because you know it’s keeping you stuck, but then you wish it wouldn’t hide because it’s the flavor of the week. Funniness.
Not to worry, I’m sure it will pop out again soon or show up as a little loop that’s part of another pattern. Because yeah, they’re all loop-d-loop connected like that.
I did notice something related: I have this thing where I like to feel healthy and well-rested. Sounds pretty obvious. Like, yeah, doesn’t everybody want to feel that way? I don’t know, I’m not convinced everybody obsesses cares about it as much as I do. To the point where I almost go through some mourning when I’m feeling crappy for the amazing day that could have been if only I felt great.
Shockingly, on Thursday I was exhausted and really happy anyway. I spent a two hour drive exuberantly (embarrassingly) singing along to the radio. Sure, I had some actual reasons to be happy… I was spending Friday with people I adore while doing something super important to me. But sometimes I make the potential of an awesome day even more of a reason to be frustrated with not feeling fabulous.
This time I just felt all expectant and eager and weirdly untethered in my joy. I wasn’t so focused on how much happier I could have been if only I wasn’t feeling so tired and crunchy. Which kind of leads me, roundabout, to this week…
This pattern…
I’m not exactly sure why I didn’t let my crunchy exhaustion taint my bliss. But I think it had something to do with not beating myself up for being tired and feeling crappy.
Usually, if I’m not feeling all glow-ey and super, there’s a layer of feeling like I did something wrong, like it’s my fault I don’t feel radiant. Instead I played with letting myself feel *meh* without all of the accompanying guilt.
And during my great sewing experiment, I kept noticing myself looking to some external committee to tell me whether I’m doing things right. Or being scared that I’ll get in trouble with The Committee if I do something wrong.
If I were an outsider, I would probably wonder if I’d grown up in an authoritarian household with some fear-of-God style religion. And I didn’t. At all. Weird.
So this week I want to notice what triggers this fear of getting into trouble. The Committee or The Force or whatever feels so vague and sneaky. And ominous. But when I pay attention, the veil kind of dissipates and it’s way less scary.
So, hrrrm. What am I, five years old? Does this happen to anyone else? Or do you have some other pattern you’re eyeing up this week?
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I should watch my pattern of looking for approval or permission from outside myself. Even though it’s Thursday already.
But hey .. that sounds like my household. Hee.