Wherever you go, there you are. A friend mentioned this idea on a mastermind call over the weekend, and it fit perfectly with some things I’ve been thinking about lately. In the newsletter I sent out Friday* I wrote about a little creativity experiment I’m doing during the month of November. I committed to sewing every day this month for 15 minutes and announced it in the newsletter.
*I think you should totally sign up for the newsletter in the sidebar. You know, if you want. ————>
And then guess who didn’t sew on Friday. (Ooohhh! Also appropriate, guess who didn’t show on Friday.) I’m still pondering the reasons I didn’t show up for my commitment the day I announced it. Resistant to accountability perhaps? Rebellious, anyone? That part of it is probably another post. Or seven. Anyway.
I keep thinking about what came up in my reaction to not sewing. On Saturday morning, as I thought about getting my ass back into gear, I had a fleeting thought that I should sew for 30 minutes to make up for missing Friday. That idea seems fairly reasonable, although pretty illogical. But here’s what really scares fascinates me: some part of me took it a step further, suggesting that I should sew for an hour.
As, like, punishment. Whoa. How did a creative experiment become an opportunity to beat myself up? It happened so swiftly and sneakily that I realized this dynamic must play out in other areas of my relationship with myself. It must because sewing is really very new to me. So the pattern is not.
And immediately I remembered the ways I used to do this with eating and exercise. Overindulgence would be following by severe restriction. Followed by, you guess it, overindulgence. And on and on. It was an internal battle I couldn’t win because, by definition, I was fighting against myself. Having come a long way in healing my eating and body image stuff, I don’t play this indulgence & deprivation, self-flagellation game with myself anymore.
Or so I thought. Until I found myself thinking I should sew for an hour to punish myself for missing a day. The difference this time is that I noticed the impulse before I enforced the punishment. And then I laughed. Yayyy for awareness! So I sewed for about twenty minutes, and felt great about it.
This is why working on stuff is so cool. You can’t heal one issue without benefiting all the rest of your stuff. Because in the process of untangling something that’s jamming you up, you gain all of this information about yourself. About what you need and what you want and why you do the things you do. All useful the next time the pattern comes up. Which it will, yeah. But you’ll be ready.
I’m curious how my stuff would have played out if I hadn’t noticed this old tendency, or had I unconsciously identified with the part of me eager to whip myself into shape. I’m guessing I would have resented the entire hour of sewing. And, at best, it might have tainted how I felt about this experiment. Worse, it might have tainted how I felt about sewing. Or the process of creating. Or myself.
Again, whoa.
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I had a similar moment a few weeks ago. Yoga keeps teaching us to be good to our bodies, compassionate, etc., and to do things in moderation, etc.
Literally the day AFTER I was all “Moderation! Yes!” I went out and got HAMMERED. I didn’t mean to; I wasn’t paying for the drinks so whenever there was one in front of me, I kept going with it.
Not awesome. The next day I had a thought about going to a hot yoga class so I could sweat out the toxins and as sort of a penance for my ‘bad behavior.’
And then I realized that’s SO the opposite of yoga. So I took a non-heated, gentle class and remembered to be kind to myself instead of trying to PUNISH me for messing up.
Where do those thoughts even come from??
I know exactly how you feel. I committed to National Novel Writing Month (this month) and totally flaked on it. Then I spent a week beating myself up over it, so much so that it made me stop writing all together. That’s just stupid as hell. As you can see, I am back at it despite another month with no quick formula novel. Oh well, I’m gonna go stare at some goats now.
I enjoyed your post, great job.
@Doniree ~ As always, I heart you. Isn’t it weird that it always seems to happen right as something cool (like moderation) clicks into place? Then inner our wild child’s all “not so fast sucker!” But so cool to notice before the punishment. And hot yoga while hungover? Shoot me.
@Josh ~ Yeah, see, the stopping writing altogether is the saddest thing ever. And why beating ourselves up never, ever works. But you’re back to it ~ woot! And I’m glad you came by.
Wow! Very interesting (and very me). Thank you so much for the insight, I -SO- do this to myself. It is very interesting once you realize it. Thank you so much, this makes so much sense to me, and really hit home. I’m working on figuring out the “instead” thing right now! Thank you!
Hugs,
Sheila