Back for the Monday ritual of picking just one pattern or stuck spot to notice this week. A ritual that hopefully creates a neat container to work on our stuff.
The Force.
Last week I wanted to pay attention to my perception of some scary external force; the one I turn to as an approval-seeking puddle to see if I’m doing things right. Or whether something I’m doing “counts” toward something I had committed to do.
The external force that doesn’t really exist, except in my head. And even then, pretty questionable. It’s like a cluster of stars in the sky that you can see as long as your eye focus is loose and gentle, but as soon as you try to focus in, everything goes foggy and smudged.
And here’s what I’m learning about the external force: Something about being an entrepreneur is illuminating this pattern for me. I’m sure it existed before, but now I’m actually aware it.
Because now I don’t have a boss. (Yay for not having a boss!) And so apparently I’m creating an imaginary one. (Boo for fake boss who seems really mean and dictatorish, even if only in my foggy head!)
In my old corporate life, there was an external force I answered to, several of them actually, and they were real. Well, maybe the absolute power I bequeathed to them wasn’t real, but it felt real. Same thing.
That force assigned and reviewed my work. It tracked my billable time. (Actually I tracked it. In six minute increments. Oh the joys of working as a service professional.) And the external force definitely made sure I was working hard enough. It evaluated me and promoted me. And also, paid me. Interesting dynamic, that.
And now, poof! That force is gone. But maybe the watchful eyes live on as the external force in my head? Still working with this and noticing it.
New pattern du jour:
This is interesting… um, I find myself wanting to create a benevolent external force. In real life.
So this week, I want to pay attention to how I handle actual accountability as compared to that perceived judgmental force. I’ve created some new accountability structures that I’m crazy excited about.
Okay, the term accountability structure sounds hard and metallic and like the opposite of exciting. But the people behind it are rad. And I’m really wanting to do some things that I’m just not doing. So I’m excited about being with cool people and making progress on doing the things.
But, as I’ve mentioned, I can turn a healthy thing unhealthy. Like, lickety split. And one way to do this is to take a constructive practice and morph it into a should. And so I have a feeling that there are a few ways structured accountability could go.
It could go awesome. (And, seriously, I really think it will.) Awesome means it will feel motivating. And supportive, encouraging, constructive, and productive.
Or… I could react to accountability by following through on doing my thing out of the sheer force of people-pleasing. Or I could totally rebel and be even less productive.
Isn’t it kind of funny that I know I could go either way? Super Wacked-out-locomotive Productive or Rebellious You-can’t-make-me-do-it Slacker. Being able to laugh at that juxtaposition is how I know that this whole thing is going to go awesome.
That’s what peeking at patterns sometimes gets you: a chuckle at your own expense in a doting, indulgent kind of way. Any thoughts about this accountability pattern? Or a pattern of your own?
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Oooh…that morphing of the healthy into the unhealthy? I completely get that, especially when it comes to commitments and accountability.
And totally off the cuff, so I don’t have an answer, but I wonder what that tendency-to-morph part of us is afraid of if we achieve “successful” accountability.
I suppose the answer might be different depending on whether we were dealing with the taskmaster side or the slacker side of ourselves.
Hmmm…definitely going to have to ponder that for a bit. It’s fun to see so much similarity in our stuff…let’s me know that I’m crazy in a normal way, rather than crazy in a crazy way. Or something.
I just found you through the above lovely woman and like what I’ve read (if I actually read it right?). Are you saying that you’ve noticed how, despite being free of a boss, you’ve found that you have at times created a not so helpful, critical boss for yourself? That you’ve appropriated the boss role onto your newfound freedom, entrepreneurship? Is so, I totally get it. This is a great thought, one I should tune in on.
Totally. Totally totally totally.
Sometimes I give that role to business partner – and he really doesn’t want it.
Sometimes I just do it by creating terrible scenarios in my head and then beating myself up *in advance* for something *that hasn’t happened and very probably never will*.
Oy.
Oh, and now I’m blogging as me (rather than an expert) I’ve created the Blog Police, too, apparently.
Sigh.
One thing that worked for me before was to have an accountability call with a friend of mine who was also a small biz owner.
We gave each other questions to ask and all the other person did was ask and listen to the answers.
They were also able to say things like, ‘I notice that you’ve said ‘No’ to that question for three days now. Are you ok with that?’.
Worked very well, until we moved into different time zones.
Glad I found your blog. I’ve been trying a weekly focus for a few weeks now – it doesn’t necessarily mean I only learn things about that thing, but it certainly gives me a container to hold my observations in. As you said.
Nice.
@Victoria ~ Okay, seriously? Knowing that we’re crazy in a normal way rather than crazy in a crazy way is the best reassurance ever!
@Lydia ~ Yes, that is exactly what I mean, only I think you expressed it with a lot more clarity!
@Andrew ~ Hey there, I’m actually a lurker over at your blog, which is awesome by the way. Oh that is so sad to beat ourselves up over something we might eventually screw up in the future (or not). I totally get that, and Oy indeed. I sometimes get this sense of “uh-oh, I’m going to get in trouble.” I wonder if the fact that we’re noticing is a step toward freedom? I hope so.
Hmm. Enlisting others to help with motivation is an interesting idea. I often find that I can’t get myself to do things for myself to save my life but if I have something I’ve agreed to do for someone else I can become almost laser-focused on it. But the question of how to do MY projects as though I was doing them for someone else is one I’ve been struggling with for quite a while. Very good.